So, in the harsh chill of early morning, some idiot bird smashes beak-first into the side of a ten story building and drops, listlessly to the sidewalk below, where it lays, stunned, all but certain to die.

But, somehow, it doesn’t.

Through some miraculous twist of fate, it clings to its meaningless life just long enough for three (equally idiotic) humans from my office to discover its dwindling-corpse on their way to smash beak-first into a box of donuts.

Putting their glossy heads together, these three mongoloids decide that they cannot conceivably allow this broken-winged simpleton to simply pass on. “No,” they bellow from beneath pillowy, crumb-coated jaws, “we must save it!” A noble endeavor, to be certain.

Scooping the crumpled pocket of bacteria into a rough wad of paper towels, and ignoring the basic responsibilities of their employment, the tard-triplets rush the fading creature to a local animal emergency room, which, by happenstance, is also a veterinary college.

“Save this bird,” they squeal, as if at the height of their own self-righteous orgasms. “Dammit, doctor, there’s no time!”

Confused and unimpressed, first responders humor the mentally-deficient three, pretending to rush the wild, over-populated bird into surgery at the expense of legitimate animals and actual emergencies. The odds are stacked against the poor invalid, but doctors are doing everything they can, rest assured. The three leave, hoping against hope that they got there in time. Hoping that perhaps a higher power is on their side.

When they get around to it, the triumvirate returns to the office, to the scene of the trauma. They are met with a heroes welcome… that they give themselves between enthusiastic pats on the back. While those around them toil and grind at their pitiless jobs, the magnificent three stare to the icy heavens, to the billowing clouds, knowing that today, they saved a life. They are lifesavers. They save.

In the depths of their soul they know that should the mighty bird pull through, should the college student operating on it with the expressed intent of developing experience for real-life emergencies succeed, then someday that bird will return to the skies.

Someday, mended, it shall take majestic flight amongst the clouds, where it will be free to soar, to live, to smash its idiot face into a giant fucking inanimate object once again.

And it will. Which is why we must be vigilant. Always vigilant.

Apparently when they built the ridiculous new stadium in Dallas, no one bothered to ask the question: is our world’s largest HDTV going to get in the way of some basic elements of a football game?

Punt Hits World’s Largest HD Video Screen in Cowboys Stadium

Andy’s take: “They don’t have planners in Texas, they have doers. And ass kickers.”

p.s. you know a product is good when its site consists of a single page, with no real details and about 100 “buy here!” links, not to mention the actual purchasing form is on the landing (slash only) page.

p.p.s. as much as this site and product are totally ridiculous, I’m glad things like this exist in the world to extort money from undeserving people.  It’s like modern Darwinism, or pretty much the closest thing to it I guess.

Anywho, on to the stupidity:

Jogger injured after using Twitter as he ran
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“Some dude tweets (and Facebooks) his vacation plans then heads out of town. While he’s gone, someone breaks into his house and steals his computer. Surprise! This guy a) has too many non-friends on Facebook and b) is real fast and loose with his home address. Reminds me of when I was in high school and was too cool to lock my car, even though everyone could hear my boomin’ Kenwood speaker system. Guess what—it got stolen! Use your head, don’t beg people to steal your shit.” gizmodo.com
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And last but not least, one of the least shocking revelations of all time, right up there with “Earlier this year an insurance company revealed the dangers of twittering whilst driving.” from the running article.
10% Of Twitter Users Account For 90% Of Twitter Activity
Which seems to be 100% in line with what happens when I open my account. This also applies to facebook, though facebook is certainly worse what with the quizzes and surveys that clog my newsfeed. But I digress. About 10% of the people I know on there have posted hundreds of things about their lunch, sleeping, going for a run, walking down the stairs, going to the bathroom, etc etc while most people have only posted a couple of meaningful things I’m actually interested in that are downed out but all the posts I wish I hadn’t wasted the brain power reading.

I sincerely hope, for your sake, that your travels to China don’t leave you in need of money, because none of us will believe you.”

February 3rd, 2009:
Mary
hi
7:32pmMichael
yo
7:33pmMary
How are you doing
7:33pmMichael
great! i became an uncle today!
7:33pmMary
Wooow
7:34pmMichael
my sister is adopting a child from Peru, and they got all their info today
how are YOU doing
7:34pmMary
Am ok
But not happy
7:35pmMichael
whats wrong?
7:35pmMary
One of my college need my help and i can’t assit her
7:36pmMichael
?
7:36pmMary
She need me to help her send some money and i don’t have enough on me
7:37pmMichael
oh man
that sucsk
do you need to borrow some cash?
7:37pmMary
Yea a lot
Yea can you help me on it
7:38pmMichael
yea absolutley
how much do you need
7:38pmMary
Well i don’t no how much you can help out
how much can you borrow me
7:40pmMichael
would the real Mary Connolly please stand up
7:41pmMary
Am here
7:43pmMary
Michael
talk to me
It was some one you were talking too
Am so sorry my box was hacked
7:44pmMichael
how much money do you need- i can bring it over tomororw
7:45pmMary
don’t come coz amn
not in
7:46pmMichael
ok when will you be home? i’ll come by this weekend with un-marked bills
7:48pmMary
Am out for the week end michael
7:48pmMichael
ok well when should i bring over all this cash?
there’s just so much of it
7:49pmMary
Are you pulling my leg’s micheal
7:49pmMichael
are you pulling mine? ” MARY ”
7:51pmMary
Nope am not
Seem you don’t be live me
7:52pmMichael
alright great
let’s do a wire-transfer
7:52pmMary
So how is your sisiter doing
7:52pmMichael
what is your account number
mine is : 7
7:52pmMary
It as been block am owing the bank some momey
7:53pmMichael
ok so how should we do this
7:53pmMary
Can you go to western union and send it
7:53pmMichael
no problem
7:54pmMary
That would be more easy for you
But you will have to send it to the person i want you to send it too
Micheal if you no you are playing wit me let me no ok
7:55pmMichael
no i am in. who should i send the money to?
7:55pmMary
It’s going to africa
Can you be able to send it there?
And i need you to send it now
7:57pmMichael
ok
i’ll just go to western union and transfer “money” to “africa”
they’ll know just what to do!
8:03pmMichael
well fake Mary, it was nice meeting you. Good luck in Africa and with your financial problems. take care now, bye bye then