A pretty good PSA brought to you by JHM:
Andy didn’t get a chance to watch it, but brings us a good twitter personality to follow:
I’m sorry Rob, I have no time for that. I’m completely preoccupied with Lawrence Maroney’s twitter.
“@murphylee bruh i been told u weneva bruh”
I think he’s trying to tell the world something important, but to this point I have been unable to crack his code. Something about brews, or bruises or Brouge, Belgium.
“I feel like I drank acid last night. Feel bad for me because I made idiotic decisions last night.
Follow up email:
Subject: “please send out a group email regarding your away msg thank you.”- Wonn
So, I met my friend Ian in Davis last night for what was supposed to be “a drink.” I completely failed at the “A” portion. After arriving, I met his hilarious friends, one of whom happened to be a female. Yup, as you may have now already realized, woman happen to be my elixir of poor choices. If one’s around, I’m going to be an idiot, which happens to suck for me, because they’re everywhere.
Anyhow, this girl just got a new job, so we celebrate…with shots of tequila…at 10:30pm. I have had 3 drinks prior to this at home and then 3 more beers at the bar, so when I have this shot, I am already blasted. I then follow this shot up with another shot and then am incredibly easily convinced that a dirty martini is in order. Girl: I’m considering having a martini since I don’t have to work tomorrow. Me: I’m having a martini.
Fast forward 2 hours and I am hammered drunk. Said girl and I agree to make out, but in private because we are classy and her ex bf is there. We leave the bar and proceed to make out in the park with creepy black face statues next to us because lord knowns Jim Crow = romance. Enough for me for the night? Not even fucking close.
Fast forward to 6am. I wake up in her fucking volcanic apartment off of Mass ave in Cambridge. I can’t find my socks. Maybe they are hiding with my dignity, who knows. I scamper out the door and down her labyrinth fucking stairs. I end up in the back yard. No big deal. Wrong. Fucking 18 ft fences surrounding me like I’m in Gitmo. I try to scale one, but see that there are only a string of further fences. Suddenly, a tenant appears. Thank God. Wrong a-fucking-gain. Said tenant is a GD Asian, non-American speaking idiot who can’t understand that my rumpled clothing and disheveled hair means that I am trapped in her internment camp backyard and need assistance so that I can get to work in time to be fired. After trying to communicate for many minutes, I finally just follow her like a serial killer back into the building and she points at the way out with a look that screams “if you try to rape me I will scream so loud that your ears will bleed.”
I manage to get home in time to be 30 minutes late to work, but just in time to make the meeting with my VP that I forgot I had to discuss how much I hate one of my bosses. Because of this, I’m sure that I convinced her that she should side with me. I’m eagerly awaiting Martha to call me and tell me how much I suck.
Yours truly,
JHM
JHM catapaults himself to the top of my most “famous” friends list with an appearance on one of the internet’s most popular websites: awkwardboners.com.
Okay maybe not the most popular website, but it’s gotta be up there..
The Scourge of the Snuggie from Newsweek. Hopefully the end of one of the more horrible inventions of mankind. To quote from one of my favorite movies of all time, The Rock, “…it’s one of those things we wish we could dis-invent.”
Email from John this morning with regards to him attempting to park this morning. Fat lady steals his spot, hilarity ensues:
“This morning, I came upon a woman piling her rug rats into the car, so I pulled ahead and waited. It took a few moments, maybe 4 for her to get everything situated and start to pull out. My reverse lights were on and, as she pulled away, I started to back up. Just then, a woman pulled front first into the spot (it was on the end of the line of cars, so doing so was possible). I sat there for a minute, watching in moderate shock. This really happens? This isn’t just a funny Seinfeld episode. FML. I then backed up and rolled down my window. ‘Excuse me, I was waiting for this spot.’ Her response, ‘how am I supposed to know that? Is there a fucking (she started the swearing right off the bat!) sign with your name on it here?’ At this point, I became furious. My next line: ‘How are you supposed to know that? BECAUSE YOU HAVE 2 HUMAN EYES THAT YOU SUPPOSEDLY USE TO DRIVE AND SEE SHIT WITH! It’s unfortunate that, at your age (approx 55), you haven’t learned common courtesy or the basic rules of driving’ She then gave me the finger and told me to go fuck myself. I responded by, in a very calm voice, telling her that she was a ‘fat bitch’, which was awesome because she was, so I was just making a factual statement. I finished up by telling her that I hoped she had a ‘lovely day ma’am.’ Her mouth was a bit agape at this point and she had no response. I win. I win double because I found another spot not 20 seconds later. Awesomeeeeeee! ”
If there is this kind of competition out there, why even bother trying to find a girl to date?
I think my favorite part is what he says about having kids. Fantastic.
Thanks to Katie for having too much free time at work and putting this grossness together for all the web to see.
