“RANT: So you’re showing my apartment?
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Yesterday after coming home from an extremely long, stressful day of work, I plopped down on the couch to relax for a bit. Laying in front of the TV is great, but an orgasm would really help me blow off some steam. Lucky for me, I had recently purchased a rabbit, so I retrieved that from my bedroom, returned to the couch, and brought up some gay porn on my laptop(side rant– will someone please make porn tailored to women?) Just as I was beginning to get that tingling feeling that happens before I come, I heard the sound of someone trying to unlock the door to my apartment. WHATTHEFUCKISTHIS!? Shit! I am naked from the waist down holding a loud-ass vibrator standing in front of a laptop on which a man is moaning loudly and telling another man how he wants him to “put it in my ass!” SHIT! WHO THE FUCK IS COMING IN THE DOOR RIGHT NOW?

I completely panic. My shaking hands try desperately to turn the vibrator off, but in my excited state I completely forget how to do it..there are so many buttons!! why did I buy the fancy model??? I rip the batteries out of the stupid thing after fumbling with it and wasting precious seconds. I throw everything in the closet of my bedroom, close the door, and start to look for some pants. Then I remember that gay porn is still being played loudly on my couch. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! I could hear the sound of the second lock unlocking. I dash back into the livingroom and try with my again shaking hands to at least turn the volume down. The door is opening at this point so I snatch the laptop and scurry half-nakedly back to my bedroom while depressing the volume button. Unfortuately, I hit the wrong side of the volume button and deafeningly loud moans are now emanating from my bedroom–gay men moans. Shit! People are in my living room now. I yell “ONE MOMENT!!!!” as loud as I can, trying to try to drown the sounds of Brad getting slammed in the ass. In a complete state of terror I make the unwise decision of throwing the laptop as far under my bed as I can, hoping that the boxspring and mattress would be enough to muffle the sound of my laptop at full volume. Sadly, it was not. People are milling about in the apartment now, so I grab some shorts from my bureau and emerge from my bedroom to greet the realtor and prospective new tenants in a dress shirt and shorts, flushed, and visibly shaken. I introduce myself over the sounds of an apparent orgy in my bedroom to a profusely apologizing realtor and a smirking couple. I summoned as much dignity as I could, smiled devilishly, and returned to the fake orgy in my bedroom as they showed themselves out.

Don’t you people call first?
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