Poor Decisions » Andy

I Like Beer (and so do the Sox)

Rob — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 14:01:35 +0000

By now we’ve all heard of the Red Sox clubhouse drinking fiasco along with one of the worst collapses in the history of baseball. And I’m sure most of you have already seen this, but in case you haven’t, here is an email from Andy with a fantastic country music video.

Hi, we’re the entire 2011 Red Sox starting rotation (‘cept for that Asian dude), and we’re primarily the reason you’re about to watch the Tigers and Rangers lull you into a gentle, uninterrupted slumber for the next two weeks. Oh yeah, and we’re also the reason one of the best managers in the history of the franchise is currently locked out of the building.

But man, do we like beer and country music.

Now, we know what you’re thinking, and yeah, it probably would’ve been nice if we liked practicing, or our teammates or treadmills as much as we like beer and country music, buuut, we don’t, so get off our backs about it.

Hey! Where do we pick up our paychecks at?

Phase 2

Rob — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 18:12:39 +0000

As anyone who frequents this site knows, Andy is an avid believer in robots taking over the world and enslaving humans. Well, today we’ve reached “phase 2″ in the process of getting to this point. I’m not personally sure how many phases there are, but this one seems a significant step in that direction:

Hey, anyone want to give increasingly more complex and dangerous robots a means of communicating and sharing knowledge absent of any human involvement?

Anybody?

Yes, you sir! The idiot in the back.

Also known as, SkyNet.

Superbowl Prediction, Revised

Rob — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 20:24:47 +0000

Andy has revised his superbowl prediction:

Celtics and Antoine, the Emails

Rob — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 19:14:08 +0000

Andy: In other news, Antoine Walker is legitimately dominating the mongoloids of the NBA D-league – is Antoine Walker a good basketball player, or is his level of competition so inferior that he looks stellar by comparison? Nah, he must be awesome.

Me: Is he still doing the shimmy?

Andy: Not intentionally. He’s like 250 pounds now.

Me: I will still buy it. Walker! Put the pieces back together of our sweet late 90s (or 2000?) Atlantic Division title year!

Andy: Don’t we already have a late-90s/2000 dream team in place?

Sidenote: I think Kenny Anderson and Eric Williams currently star in some horrible basic cable drivel called “Basketball Wives,” in which they’re documented consistently neglecting their families and sparring with their lunatic skank spouses. Also, according to my eyeballs last night, Tony Battie continues to exist (albeit in Sixers paint), and Vitaly Potapenko is likely available for a burlap sack of wheat, assuming his current village in interested.

Andy’s Growing Concern

Rob — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 14:43:41 +0000

Andy’s distaste for robots is well documented on this blog, and here is yet another installment in what appears to be a robot designed for killing humans. From his email:

Good news: Japanese scientists have finally figured out a way to equip robots with knives and the ability to quickly and surgically gut and slice irregularly shaped, soft items, like, I don’t know, vegetables, or human flesh.

To review 2010: robots currently possess the ability to shoot, dissect and consume our bodies for fuel.

No worries; nothing to see here but a series of easily connectable dots.

Andy’s Junkmail, DAN TIME!

Rob — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 15:43:10 +0000

A couple weeks ago, I sent you some spam I received touting a five-week doctorate program. It was awesome, and ended with some insane ramblings about twitter and sexual dysfunction. I couldn’t have been happier with its composition.
In any case, they’ve once again chosen to contact me with the same five-week masters program offer, though now the crazy messages at the end of the email have changed. BEHOLD:

“If you are qualified but are lacking that piece of paper. Get one from us in a Hi, Tom, Just sending you the information you’ve asked me about. Lora and me used to sleep in separate rooms, as I came home too tired to be good in bed and finally my wife lost the interest too. We needed something really efficient to spice up our love life and we found it at last. Dan time.
If you think today’s vicious cuts are neccessary because of ‘the mess inherited from Labour’.We look forward to getting interesting Promoted recommendations to you soon.This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life.Kiva is a lending platform that let’s you loan as little as $25 to an entrepreneur who may only need a small chunk of change to begin, but whose life will no doubt be affected dramatically by the contribution.Whenever there’s a new movie release, a TV show premiere, a big football game, or a breaking news story, people are talking about it on Twitter.”

I don’t know how else to say this, but I think there’s a reason I’m being contacted. I feel like Russell Crowe in “A Beautiful Mind”, pouring through each word, searching for clues and hidden messages, completely ignoring my actual work. Ah, they’ve got me. These genius Chinese have my full and undivided attention.

DAN TIME!

Andy Loves Junkmail

Rob — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 18:18:18 +0000

Andy: I always read my obvious junk mail, if for no other reason than the fact that I love horrible, nonsensical english translations. In any case, this is one of the better ones I’ve received in awhile; it literally has something for everyone (people stuck in a dead-end job, sexually frustrated men, incompetent housewives, ugly people that dislike twitter – it’s all there). The Chinese must think so little of us.:

Hello!

Do you want a more satisfactory future, go up in money earning, and the respect of all?

Special offer:
We can assist with Diplomas from prestigious universities based on your present knowledge and professional experience.

Get a Degree in 5 weeks with our program!

~Our program will let EVERYONE with professional experience
get a 100% verified Degree:

~Doctorate
~Bachelors
~Masters

- Think about it…
- You can realize YOUR Dreams!
- Live a wonderful life by earning or upgrading your degree.

This is a splendid chance to make a right move and receive your due
benefits… if you are qualified but are lacking that piece of paper. Get one from us in a Hi, Judy, My husband was in despair when he failed to perform in bed. You know what a sensitive matter it is to discuss it tête-à-tête. So I just sent him a link I had found while browsing the net for some pastry recipes. Now I can tell you that I have found a recipe for a happy love life too! Mary time.
If you want to get better – you must Contact Us to start improving your life!
~CALL~
1-301-396-3506

You must leave us a voice message with your phone number with country code if outside USA and name and we’ll contact you asap.

It’s your move…
Make the right decision.

Best wishes.

Do Not Reply to this Email.
We do not reply to text inquiries, and our server will reject all response traffic.
We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

Us too!
Yes, you are ugly.
Twitter makes me like people I’ve never met and Facebook makes me hate people I know in real life.
Since we will only be testing Promoted Accounts with a handful of companies initially, there’s a chance that you might not see one at first.
As of today, everyone who uses Twitter now has access to the new Twitter.

South Carolina Averts Disaster

Rob — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 16:37:50 +0000

Here is the original email, a while ago, from Andy, along with my follow up in light of the actual election results this week. Both videos are equally amazing. First, the email:

South Carolina Destroys Democracy, Self.

This story’s so insane, I can’t imagine you haven’t heard anything about it, but in the event you’re ignoring the goings-on in South Carolina politics, here’s the rundown:

So last week, South Carolina’s Democratic Congressional primary was won, handedly, by a guy named Alvin Greene, a man that literally nobody had ever heard of. Turns out he’s 32, unemployed, lives with his parents and was discharged from the military under questionable circumstances. He also did no campaigning or advertising, does not own a cell phone or computer, has no campaign staff, no platform, no website and no explanation as to how he came up with the $10,400 required to get his name on the ballot.

But that’s not even the best part. He was also recently arrested and charged with “obscenity” for showing pornography to a college student for absolutely no reason.

But despite the fact that they’ve never heard of him, have no idea what he stands for or why he’s there, the retards in South Carolina awarded this man the Democratic nomination with a startling, baffling 60% of the vote. To put that into some kind of perspective, that is the equivalent of a political landslide: he didn’t just beat the other candidate (an actual politician), he demoralized him. He ran him into the ground. I can’t even imagine how baffled THAT guy must be.

Initially, there were questions as to whether the election was crooked, and he was a Republican “plant” (given the 10 grand to throw a wrench in the whole election). Completely reasonable suspicion when you see this: an interview he did with MSNBC; if you haven’t seen it, I assure you it will blow your mind. [RE: videos following this email]

Keep reminding yourself that this man, who for all intents and purposes is [completely useless] (or an actual houseplant), is running for senate. Frankly, if it weren’t for a billion gallons of oil destroying the fragile economies and ecosystems of several states, this would HAVE to be the biggest story in the country.

The ultimate reality of this is, whoever they elected would be destroyed by the Republican incumbent anyway, so this is all just theater, but I literally am bursting with anticipation waiting to watch that debate.

Initial, pre-election video:

Follow up after the election:

Deep Thoughts with Andy

Rob — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 16:20:10 +0000

“Reading this story this morning was like standing on a remote mountaintop and observing the true beauty of the planet. Sometimes, things are just perfect.” -a

“That’s amazing, though I do feel bad mocking the death of someone who was purportedly very generous in donating his wealth to charities.”-r

“I know, that gave me brief pause as well, but the circumstances of his death are far too brilliant to be encumbered, if for only a moment, by the generosity of his life. I know that if it were me, I would expect others to laugh.” -a

Emails from Andy

Rob — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 01:23:06 +0000

Animal Lover Mourns Idiot Animal: The Sequel

Sometime before the summer I vaguely recall writing angrily to you about the woman I work with who took a half-day off of work to escort a bird who had flown into the side of our building to an animal hospital a half hour away. Instead of working, she rushed a disease-ridden bird to an animal emergency room, where they informed her that the bird was merely stunned from the unexpected collision, needed no medical attention at all, and probably should have been left alone from the outset. Nice work.
In any case, apparently sensing that enough time had passed where another impractical act of legitimate lunacy might go unnoticed by management, this woman has now taken a full day off work to grieve the unceremonious passing of a fish. True story.
Months ago, one of the kids I work with purchased a small, half gallon fish tank and a proportionately puny betta fish (think Turkey Sub [beta fish Andy and I had in college], but half the size), which, due to the severity of the cold and darkness in his office, promptly grew sickly and weak. Due to some holiday in which Orthodox Jews aren’t allowed to have fish or animals (or something, I dunno) in their presence, he transferred the tank to my office, where it is comparatively warm, safe and awesome. Predictably, the fish thrived, growing healthy and colorful beneath my protective umbrella of ample food and clean, temperate water.
Flash forward to yesterday, when the rightful owner of said fish finally purchases a suitable heat lamp, and wishes to take it back. Fine; I’d grown tired of changing its water and watching it feast on its own shit all day, anyway.
So the exchange is made, and he brings the tank (and fish) into the break room to give the tank its monthly thorough cleaning. For whatever reason, instead of scooping the fish out and setting it aside, he chooses to literally pour the fish out of the tank and into a waiting cup in the sink. Naturally, he misses the cup entirely, and slips the fish into the sink instead, where it gets stuck, vertically, face down in the drain grate.
Squeamish at the thought of touching the fish with his bare hands, he grabs a spoon, and tries to pry it from the drain to relative safety. The aforementioned bird savior walks in the break room just in time to watch him lose the betta down the drain, presumably dead.
She screams, and verbally assaults him for being so careless before storming from the room. “A life is a life!” she bellowed upon hearing he and I laugh over the relative irony of the situation afterwards.
She would spend the rest of the afternoon literally sobbing into a tissue at her desk, refusing to speak to anyone.
She would also call in this morning, claiming that she didn’t “feel up to coming to work today”.