If I don’t make it back from China, this post will probably be why.
Archive for the ‘Andy's Rants’ Category
In China, This Has Different Meaning
Friday, March 6th, 2009How *Not* to Electronically Rob a Bank
Friday, March 6th, 2009Wall: 1 Sleeping Dog: 0
Thursday, March 5th, 2009
Update from the ‘States
Sunday, March 1st, 2009Thanks to Andy for keeping me in the loop:
“Pats sign Fred Taylor; trade Vrabel to KC for a draft pick.
Celts sign Mikki Moore and Marbury.
We’re all gonna lose our jobs and die penniless in the street.
You’re pretty much up to speed.”
Oh Terry
Thursday, February 12th, 2009http://barstoolsports.com/randomthoughts/2009/02/05/terry_glenn_found_drunk_naked/
“Wow. This goes beautifully with Dave Meggett’s rape charges and Tebucky Jones’ casino assault rap. We’re a Chris Slade child-pornography ring and a Ben Coates unlawful destruction of wetlands away from a decent 1996 minicamp turnout.” -andy
Spring Training!
Thursday, February 12th, 2009Andy’s take on the spring training coverage:
“Legitimately, is there anything less interesting than Spring Training? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love baseball, and the prospect of the Sox playing again is exciting, but why does anyone actually bother reporting from Ft. Meyers? How is this news? It’s the same fucking thing every year.
I’m convinced it’s all just an elaborate scheme perpetuated by unions to give writers and reporters a paid-vacation every year.
Think about it: every picture in the paper, and every piece of footage on TV has been literally shown a million times by now: Guys carrying bags into clubhouse. Guys walking past supportive fans onto field. Guys standing around. Light jogging. Guys playing catch. Florida sun reflecting off Terry Francona’s press-conference skull.
That’s your next two months, and if they showed you last year’s footage instead, would you even know? I mean, next to the blatant homo-eroticism, it’s the thing I hate most about professional baseball.
Major league baseball. Get excited.”
Joaquin Ruins Andy’s Monday
Monday, January 19th, 2009From the desk of Andy: “Joaquin Phoenix just raped my sensibilities. “
Andy’s Rants: VH1’s New Hit TV Series
Monday, January 12th, 2009Andy’s email:
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I know I exaggerate when it comes to things that I hate. I know that, more often than not, my minor distaste for things steamrolls into a bubbling cauldron of full-fledged hostility. But Rob, I kid you not, never before has a network broadcast a full hour of television specifically devoted to infuriating me. I don’t even know how they know who I am.
Hyperbole aside, the closest thing I can compare watching VH1’s “Tool Academy” to is lying on a tropical beach, minding my own business, then being captured by guerillas and waking up in a bathtub of ice with a kidney missing. That’s how bad. That’s how bad this is.
Essentially, nine complete tools go on a show in which they believe the winner will be crowned “Mr. Awesome,” but in reality it’s just nine sessions of intensive therapy to repair their relationships with their current loser girlfriends. And “tools” isn’t even a relative term; these people literally deserve the worst death imaginable. It’s like the Real World Road Rules Challenge times a thousand. It’s like an open casting call at the Jersey Shore.
But as gay as the guys are (and they’re all tremendously homosexual), their girlfriends are literally the most mindless bags of meat ever assembled. I guarantee you that my tightly coiled shit could perform better on a standardized test than any of these miserable troglodytes. Their self esteem is sow abysmally low, that instead of simply leaving the guys that openly (and regularly) cheat on them, they’re willing to be further exploited through nationally televised therapy. Awesome. Fucking kill yourself.
Simply describing this show to you is fucking with my blood pressure; it’s inhuman. I would rather teabag an active shark tank than watch this show, though I undoubtedly will (watch the show).
Starbury, ugh.
Friday, January 2nd, 2009“Speculation is that as soon as he opts out of his current contract, Stephon Marbury will sign with the Celts.
As rocky as his performance in the playoffs was, I don’t think last year’s Cassell signing was a complete loss (he did help them win in San Antonio), but this seems far more terrifying. It’s like intentionally injecting yourself with the hypodermic needle I found in the parking lot next to my car last week, just to see if being a diabetic is as tough as everyone says.”
-Andy
Andy’s Take on the Bush Shoe Attack
Tuesday, December 16th, 2008My return to the human race has allowed me to further investigate this Bush shoe throwing incident (http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/story?id=6463495&page=1). That was magnificent, but some thoughts:
1) After 8 years as leader of the free world, I respect only two moments of the Bush presidency: his solid first-pitch fastball at the Nationals game after September 11th, and his quick evasion of two point-blank shoes. I hope both are commemorated on some kind of plaque or mural at the Bush Library as the only two moderately successful moments in a devastating era.
2) I’d say my confidence in the Secret Service is at an all-time low. Given the guy’s press status, I suppose getting off one shoe is reasonable, but a pause, followed by a second shoe seems to be a bit much. Kennedy would be pissed, if he hadn’t been killed by a shot, a pause, then a second shot. Way to learn a lesson.
3) I have no evidence to support it, but I assume Obama would have caught the shoe, thrown it back, and killed the guy as in Bruce Lee’s “Enter the Dragon”. Then he probably would’ve slept with his wife. Again, I just project that as fact.
4) My absolute favorite part, however, is this little nugget from Bush’s post-shoe interview: “I don’t know what his beef is”. Good point, what’s his deal?
In fact, read that article, his whole interview is gold.
