Poor Decisions » Andy’s Rants

Phase 2

Rob — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 18:12:39 +0000

As anyone who frequents this site knows, Andy is an avid believer in robots taking over the world and enslaving humans. Well, today we’ve reached “phase 2″ in the process of getting to this point. I’m not personally sure how many phases there are, but this one seems a significant step in that direction:

Hey, anyone want to give increasingly more complex and dangerous robots a means of communicating and sharing knowledge absent of any human involvement?

Anybody?

Yes, you sir! The idiot in the back.

Also known as, SkyNet.

OMFG TRUCK DAY!

Rob — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 21:47:19 +0000

Andy email:

Holy shit, it’s a fucking truck!

Hey, everybody, get a load of this, you’re never gonna believe what’s going on here. Alert the fucking media because there is a fucking truck parked right. fucking. here.

What kind of truck is that? A Chrysler? It’s probably a Chrysler. Fuck yeah.

What kind of mileage you get in that Chrysler? I get 25. A truck like that probably gets a fucking thousand.

Loadin’ that baby up with bags, huh? Probably like, equipment and stuff. Like cleats and socks and batting donuts. That kind of shit. That’s fucking awesome.

I can’t believe that truck’s full of fucking batting helmets. That’s the greatest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.

I can’t wait till some guy drives that fucking Chrysler down to Florida, and then fucking unloads all those fucking baseballs. That’s gonna be tits.

My balls ascended into my body cavity just thinking about unpacking that fucking equipment, probably ’cause they want to get up to where my eyes are so they can check out this fucking truck.

Fuck! Spring training. FUCK. Can’t wait to see the first live footage of fat Josh Beckett laughing during light stretching with fat John Lackey.

Now back to the truck.

Fuck yeah.

Superbowl Prediction, Revised

Rob — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 20:24:47 +0000

Andy has revised his superbowl prediction:

Celtics and Antoine, the Emails

Rob — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 19:14:08 +0000

Andy: In other news, Antoine Walker is legitimately dominating the mongoloids of the NBA D-league – is Antoine Walker a good basketball player, or is his level of competition so inferior that he looks stellar by comparison? Nah, he must be awesome.

Me: Is he still doing the shimmy?

Andy: Not intentionally. He’s like 250 pounds now.

Me: I will still buy it. Walker! Put the pieces back together of our sweet late 90s (or 2000?) Atlantic Division title year!

Andy: Don’t we already have a late-90s/2000 dream team in place?

Sidenote: I think Kenny Anderson and Eric Williams currently star in some horrible basic cable drivel called “Basketball Wives,” in which they’re documented consistently neglecting their families and sparring with their lunatic skank spouses. Also, according to my eyeballs last night, Tony Battie continues to exist (albeit in Sixers paint), and Vitaly Potapenko is likely available for a burlap sack of wheat, assuming his current village in interested.

Andy’s Junkmail, DAN TIME!

Rob — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 15:43:10 +0000

A couple weeks ago, I sent you some spam I received touting a five-week doctorate program. It was awesome, and ended with some insane ramblings about twitter and sexual dysfunction. I couldn’t have been happier with its composition.
In any case, they’ve once again chosen to contact me with the same five-week masters program offer, though now the crazy messages at the end of the email have changed. BEHOLD:

“If you are qualified but are lacking that piece of paper. Get one from us in a Hi, Tom, Just sending you the information you’ve asked me about. Lora and me used to sleep in separate rooms, as I came home too tired to be good in bed and finally my wife lost the interest too. We needed something really efficient to spice up our love life and we found it at last. Dan time.
If you think today’s vicious cuts are neccessary because of ‘the mess inherited from Labour’.We look forward to getting interesting Promoted recommendations to you soon.This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life.Kiva is a lending platform that let’s you loan as little as $25 to an entrepreneur who may only need a small chunk of change to begin, but whose life will no doubt be affected dramatically by the contribution.Whenever there’s a new movie release, a TV show premiere, a big football game, or a breaking news story, people are talking about it on Twitter.”

I don’t know how else to say this, but I think there’s a reason I’m being contacted. I feel like Russell Crowe in “A Beautiful Mind”, pouring through each word, searching for clues and hidden messages, completely ignoring my actual work. Ah, they’ve got me. These genius Chinese have my full and undivided attention.

DAN TIME!

Andy Loves Junkmail

Rob — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 18:18:18 +0000

Andy: I always read my obvious junk mail, if for no other reason than the fact that I love horrible, nonsensical english translations. In any case, this is one of the better ones I’ve received in awhile; it literally has something for everyone (people stuck in a dead-end job, sexually frustrated men, incompetent housewives, ugly people that dislike twitter – it’s all there). The Chinese must think so little of us.:

Hello!

Do you want a more satisfactory future, go up in money earning, and the respect of all?

Special offer:
We can assist with Diplomas from prestigious universities based on your present knowledge and professional experience.

Get a Degree in 5 weeks with our program!

~Our program will let EVERYONE with professional experience
get a 100% verified Degree:

~Doctorate
~Bachelors
~Masters

- Think about it…
- You can realize YOUR Dreams!
- Live a wonderful life by earning or upgrading your degree.

This is a splendid chance to make a right move and receive your due
benefits… if you are qualified but are lacking that piece of paper. Get one from us in a Hi, Judy, My husband was in despair when he failed to perform in bed. You know what a sensitive matter it is to discuss it tête-à-tête. So I just sent him a link I had found while browsing the net for some pastry recipes. Now I can tell you that I have found a recipe for a happy love life too! Mary time.
If you want to get better – you must Contact Us to start improving your life!
~CALL~
1-301-396-3506

You must leave us a voice message with your phone number with country code if outside USA and name and we’ll contact you asap.

It’s your move…
Make the right decision.

Best wishes.

Do Not Reply to this Email.
We do not reply to text inquiries, and our server will reject all response traffic.
We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

Us too!
Yes, you are ugly.
Twitter makes me like people I’ve never met and Facebook makes me hate people I know in real life.
Since we will only be testing Promoted Accounts with a handful of companies initially, there’s a chance that you might not see one at first.
As of today, everyone who uses Twitter now has access to the new Twitter.

Andy on ‘the facebook movie’

Rob — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 16:10:35 +0000

a: “Yes, there’s a lot of coding in this movie; as well as attractive women who love coding, and code related activity. It’s all right up your alley.”

r: “Despite popular belief that is apparently being perpetuated by this film, my years of programming, hacking and general computer nerdery have not yielded a similar response. I figured, when I first got into computers, that I would literally have ladies lining up at my keyboard to get a piece of the action. Sadly, that is far from the case, and most women’s (and men’s) eyes generally glaze over with boredom when I attempt to explain what I do. I usually just say “consultant” when people ask now.”

Deep Thoughts with Andy

Rob — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 16:20:10 +0000

“Reading this story this morning was like standing on a remote mountaintop and observing the true beauty of the planet. Sometimes, things are just perfect.” -a

“That’s amazing, though I do feel bad mocking the death of someone who was purportedly very generous in donating his wealth to charities.”-r

“I know, that gave me brief pause as well, but the circumstances of his death are far too brilliant to be encumbered, if for only a moment, by the generosity of his life. I know that if it were me, I would expect others to laugh.” -a

Emails from Andy

Rob — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 01:23:06 +0000

Animal Lover Mourns Idiot Animal: The Sequel

Sometime before the summer I vaguely recall writing angrily to you about the woman I work with who took a half-day off of work to escort a bird who had flown into the side of our building to an animal hospital a half hour away. Instead of working, she rushed a disease-ridden bird to an animal emergency room, where they informed her that the bird was merely stunned from the unexpected collision, needed no medical attention at all, and probably should have been left alone from the outset. Nice work.
In any case, apparently sensing that enough time had passed where another impractical act of legitimate lunacy might go unnoticed by management, this woman has now taken a full day off work to grieve the unceremonious passing of a fish. True story.
Months ago, one of the kids I work with purchased a small, half gallon fish tank and a proportionately puny betta fish (think Turkey Sub [beta fish Andy and I had in college], but half the size), which, due to the severity of the cold and darkness in his office, promptly grew sickly and weak. Due to some holiday in which Orthodox Jews aren’t allowed to have fish or animals (or something, I dunno) in their presence, he transferred the tank to my office, where it is comparatively warm, safe and awesome. Predictably, the fish thrived, growing healthy and colorful beneath my protective umbrella of ample food and clean, temperate water.
Flash forward to yesterday, when the rightful owner of said fish finally purchases a suitable heat lamp, and wishes to take it back. Fine; I’d grown tired of changing its water and watching it feast on its own shit all day, anyway.
So the exchange is made, and he brings the tank (and fish) into the break room to give the tank its monthly thorough cleaning. For whatever reason, instead of scooping the fish out and setting it aside, he chooses to literally pour the fish out of the tank and into a waiting cup in the sink. Naturally, he misses the cup entirely, and slips the fish into the sink instead, where it gets stuck, vertically, face down in the drain grate.
Squeamish at the thought of touching the fish with his bare hands, he grabs a spoon, and tries to pry it from the drain to relative safety. The aforementioned bird savior walks in the break room just in time to watch him lose the betta down the drain, presumably dead.
She screams, and verbally assaults him for being so careless before storming from the room. “A life is a life!” she bellowed upon hearing he and I laugh over the relative irony of the situation afterwards.
She would spend the rest of the afternoon literally sobbing into a tissue at her desk, refusing to speak to anyone.
She would also call in this morning, claiming that she didn’t “feel up to coming to work today”.

Andy on Farmville and Voters

Rob — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 14:49:48 +0000

Me: “Farmville has almost ten million users now. Those ten million people can vote.”

Andy: “Well, the last election was separated by about eight and a half million votes, but I think you’re overestimating the overlap here. Of those ten million, I would suggest that two million or more are children, two million are far too lazy to ever actually leave the house and vote, and maybe two million are foreign. So of the ten million active users, maybe half that are also active voters, and frankly, the number of active voters who have no idea what a computer is (let alone a social networking site and accompanying game) scare me far more, and number millions more.

Like, for example: actual farmers. I question their judgment strongly.

Don’t get me wrong though, the people that participate in those games are wrong and should probably be exterminated with fervor.”