This is a little old, from the summer, but I’m putting it up anyways because NYE is quickly approaching, and I just want to remind you all that no matter what decisions you make while under the heavy influence of alcohol that evening.. they will not compare to the poor decision this lady made when she wedged her self into these pants (shorts?) one faithful morning. I’ve been assured this is a true story, and knowing the author I have not a doubt in my mind. Enjoy, and hope everyone had a happy Christmas, holidays, whatever PC sh*t you say now and go out and get drunk on new years even because how else would you celebrate that start of a new year? Nowhere to go but up!
hilarious email and photo evidence follows:
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some of you have heard this…some of you haven’t. its funny…but more importantly, its a true story. enjoy.
love,
s
the woman in the attached photo loves red drinks.
i know this because, well, she told me saturday morning…a little after 9am.
my pal erin and i were sitting outside at the (dirty) blueshirt café in davis sq. we were sipping on smoothies and thanking the breakfast sandwich gods for giving us the bacon, eggs, and everything bagels that would help us survive the most intense hangovers ever experienced by anyone in summer 2008 thus far. i spot this woman over erin’s shoulder approaching us…she’s got an aggro mane and gold lamet hotpants…and, well, she’s slightly overweight. i quietly say: “oh my god, oh my effing god. don’t look.”
erin looks.
we both stop breathing because we realize that if we open our mouths (or even breathe through our noses) we might get hit with an uncontrollable case of the giggles that would reveal our extreme immaturity…we turn our heads toward the window to avoid any chance of a gigglefest…the reflection in the winow helped to remind ourselves how badly we look and maybe, next time, we should say no to drink number one million at 2AM. however, her reflection has not moved past our table, it has actually stopped at our table…she’s stood there for at least 5 seconds before she looked at my “really red” smoothie and said:
red: what’s that drink your drinking? (her voice is a mix between a valley girl and forrest gump, its next level)
me: oh, hi, it’s a smoothie, got it inside here, at the blueshirt (at this point – 2 seconds into the dialogue – i was now talking directly to my smoothie – i knew her gold lamet hotpants and eyes were too aggro, which would affect my ability find words that make sense)
red: it looks really good…i love red drinks. (the voice is totally next level)
me: oh, well, this smoothie is actually called “really red”…you should get one, its right up your alley!
red: well, I don’t know where I am going yet…(dude – its 9AM not 9PM, just go to store 24, get yourself a mountain dew code red and let’s move on to more important things like showering, hair color and perhaps trying non-metallic hot pants)
red: I might go to starbucks and get passion fruit iced tea. its my favorite. iced tea is totally my thing now.
me: oh yeah? i love iced tea too, i like green tea (don’t ask me why I engaged futher)
red: yeah, its totally awesome. you should try the passionfruit is soooo good.
me: yeah, totally…
red exits the scene. erin and i freakout, gigglefest 2008 commences. we look inside to find everyone throwing their heads back and holding their bellies including the elderly asian couple eating a bagel with a fork and knife. imagine if they knew red drinks were the topic of conversation?
erin and i then did what any other 14 year olds would do: we went to starbucks to find her with no intention of buying a beverage. there she was, sipping her red passion fruit iced tea with her hot topic bag emblazoned with the word MESMERIZING…wow. well we were certainly mesmerized.
we left starbucks with nothing but a sighting – no cofffee, no tea, no scone. and although we were thrilled to have seen her, it was somewhat anticlimatic. we knew the story wouldn’t be nearly as compelling without a photo.
so we did an about face after 20 yards of pouting and went to starbucks for a second time without purchasing a beverage and snapped the shot.
we high fived. mission accomplished. however, at this point, for some reason, erin was convinced she was normal because she had a cell phone and a Charlie Card…as if the right to take public transport immediately negates obvious insanity…um, erin, just because someone rides the T and talks on the phone doesn’t make them not insane.
about 20 minutes later (the amount of time it takes for red to truly enjoy a passion fruit iced tea) i had picked up danielle to head to umass. since i am too hungover to drive, or to keep my eyes open and mouth shut for that matter, danielle is driving the crappy road vehicle. we have to go back to davis because erin and i are such dbags that we didn’t ask her if she wanted anything. she probably could have used a coffee, she was “hungover” too – i put it in quotes because you take the number of drinks that i consumed and divide it by 10 and you get danielle’s consumption.
anyway, since my eyes are closed. i hear “IS THAT HER?” i wake up, look up and see red in the crosswalk…photo from behind…holler! happy birthday to me!
Tags: gross, insane, questionable fashion choice, red drinks