I had two wishes during the closing ceremonies of this year’s winter olympics:

1) that I was high

2) no more ads for the freaking Marriage Ref.

Email subject: “newest celtics member”

To Andy:
http://twitter.com/nate_robinson

mmyup.

From Andy:
Yeah but that dude can jump so high.

To Andy:
It will be awesome when he jumps up to block someone on the perimeter and they blow by him to the rim.

From Andy:
Here’s the deal, and get ready ’cause it’s gonna get wild… we play small. Like, really small.

If they could stop anyone, they’d be unstoppable.

To Andy:
I don’t know about that one, though I relish the possibility of being able to call a group of guys “Doc’s Pepper” and/or saying “RoRo!!”

From Andy, for the win:
I’d give anything to hear Tommy bellow, “RoRo yuh boat!” at the top of his overworked lungs.

That last line is only completely hilarious if you’ve watched enough Celtics games to really actually hear him saying that in your head.

UPDATE:
To Andy:
“RORO YUH BOAT!! TOMMY POINT!!”

From Andy:
“YYYEAAAAAHHH! I tell yah what… this Robinson kid might be the next coming of Tiny Ahhchibald!”
“You like him that much, do you?”
“Yahr, I do.”

I always knew the internet was a lot of things, but I NEVER thought anyone would use it with malicious intent. Well, my expectations have been shattered by a website that brings to light how easy it is for someone to stalk you / see when you aren’t home and then steal the things you love.

</sarcasm>

I feel like if you didn’t realize that constantly, publicly, announcing your location was grounds for being robbed raped and pillaged (arrr!) then you are and idiot.  I understand there are probably arguments out there against this being an issue, but what it all comes down to is making yourself an easy target.  You can say “well people can break in whenever they want” or “if they really want to steal from me they will be able to just see when I leave.”   This is true unless you are a CEO, famous athlete, JHM, etc and thus more of a target than a normal person.  Outside of fitting into that criteria, why should a person bother to care that other people know their name, address, when they are home, or other things?

Well.. if I am looking for a place to steal shit from, and there are two houses on a block, one with a sign on it that says “no one is home!” and one that has nothing posted.. which one will I go to?  Yeah, exactly.  A bit of an exaggerated point, but if you narrow your twitter feed, looking for people in a specific region that aren’t home, then use their twitter account to find their facebook, linked in, google account or anywhere else their address is posted.. you now have an open invite and can probably figure out exactly how much time you have to peruse their belongings based on where they are “checked in.”  Or, the best status message, “in Hawaii for a week!” shows them they have an entire week to scope the place out and pick the best time to walk in to steal your shit.

Everyone should furthermore appreciate this stupidity in light of how just a few short years ago everyone was worried about posting their LAST NAME online somewhere.. let alone addresses or phone numbers.  Amazing how we went from being tentative to state our last name on a profile or IM account, for fear they could look us up in a phone book.  <- remember those? I do, because they still freaking come to my house. But I digress, that is an argument for another day.

So we’ve moved from that mentality briskly into announcing every piece of contact information about ourselves and on top of that where we are at all times!  Besides being robbed, if a dude (you might not even know them, maybe they found your pic online and liked what they saw) wants to stalk you, find you at a bar or whatever, you are paving the road for them.  Nicely done.

I must be taking crazy pills here but I can’t be the only one who realizes how stupid this is right?!  People gobble shit shit up as soon as the newest ’social networking app’ is released.  Immediately adopting allows them to be on the forefront of whatever, and cooler cause they can say ‘oh I’ve been using it for months, its awesome you should check it out.’  Other reasons I can think of for using these apps in this manner include but are not limited to, bragging about what they are doing (I include myself amongst people guilty of this) and ‘everyone else doing it.’

I know there are probably more arguments against my point of view, so let me have it, I’m interested.  (And “getting points” or “being a mayor” on foursquare does not count.)

“I feel like I drank acid last night. Feel bad for me because I made idiotic decisions last night.

Follow up email:
Subject: “please send out a group email regarding your away msg thank you.”- Wonn

So, I met my friend Ian in Davis last night for what was supposed to be “a drink.” I completely failed at the “A” portion. After arriving, I met his hilarious friends, one of whom happened to be a female. Yup, as you may have now already realized, woman happen to be my elixir of poor choices. If one’s around, I’m going to be an idiot, which happens to suck for me, because they’re everywhere.

Anyhow, this girl just got a new job, so we celebrate…with shots of tequila…at 10:30pm. I have had 3 drinks prior to this at home and then 3 more beers at the bar, so when I have this shot, I am already blasted. I then follow this shot up with another shot and then am incredibly easily convinced that a dirty martini is in order. Girl: I’m considering having a martini since I don’t have to work tomorrow. Me: I’m having a martini.

Fast forward 2 hours and I am hammered drunk. Said girl and I agree to make out, but in private because we are classy and her ex bf is there. We leave the bar and proceed to make out in the park with creepy black face statues next to us because lord knowns Jim Crow = romance. Enough for me for the night? Not even fucking close.

Fast forward to 6am. I wake up in her fucking volcanic apartment off of Mass ave in Cambridge. I can’t find my socks. Maybe they are hiding with my dignity, who knows. I scamper out the door and down her labyrinth fucking stairs. I end up in the back yard. No big deal. Wrong. Fucking 18 ft fences surrounding me like I’m in Gitmo. I try to scale one, but see that there are only a string of further fences. Suddenly, a tenant appears. Thank God. Wrong a-fucking-gain. Said tenant is a GD Asian, non-American speaking idiot who can’t understand that my rumpled clothing and disheveled hair means that I am trapped in her internment camp backyard and need assistance so that I can get to work in time to be fired. After trying to communicate for many minutes, I finally just follow her like a serial killer back into the building and she points at the way out with a look that screams “if you try to rape me I will scream so loud that your ears will bleed.”

I manage to get home in time to be 30 minutes late to work, but just in time to make the meeting with my VP that I forgot I had to discuss how much I hate one of my bosses. Because of this, I’m sure that I convinced her that she should side with me. I’m eagerly awaiting Martha to call me and tell me how much I suck.

Yours truly,
JHM

And their vote is exactly equal to yours.



Thanks to Andy for this link. I may or may not have posted it before, too lazy to check but figured it was appropriate on the heels of yesterday’s post. I saw it when I was cleaning out my inbox, and it still floors me every time, especially at the end when they drill the guy asking for where he gets his news from and he answers, “church groups and Fox news.” Awesome.

Seriously? People can still back this person? How can anyone think she can run a country! She has to write basic things on her hand to remember them! Brutal.



Thanks to Andy for the frustrating link, I guess.

Oh Michael..

UPDATE:  Mikey tries again, and suffers more fail: